October and Me

I was born on the 23rd of October 1985 on the day of Dusshera. Of the very many stupid things I am proud of being born on Dusshera is at the top of my list even though I had nothing to do with it. Anyway, for me by birth month is always associated with a bit of gloom. Year after year after year, as I enter into the month of October I always find myself struggling to get my spirits up as I am faced with some problem or the other. This year is no different but unlike the things that killed my mood in previous years the questions I am struggling with this year will probably shape the rest of my life and if not that atleast affect me as a person in a substantial way.
The question I am struggling what to do with my job. My company pays me well, they treat me well, and I don't even have a lot of work to do, and on top of that they even feed me well. However, whenever, someone asks me, "how's the job?", I let loose a torrent of abuse about this company. Sometimes I used to ask myself why I do this but it used to be momentary but this month I cannot get this question out of my head. Why do I hate this company so much? Why do I want to leave it so badly?After thinking about this question for the better part of this month I still haven't been able to find a decisive answer. Maybe I hate it for the copy pasting work that they make me do, maybe it's because I have to stay away from my parents and all my loved ones to hold on to this job, or maybe I am used to complaining that I am not able to stop myself from doing. If things had only stayed at this level of trying to find out a reason for not liking my job maybe I would have been able to handle it but there is a twist to it. Apart from saying shit about my present job I found myself applying to Government of India jobs which apart from paying me extremely less money will also force me to become a part of a work culture which I, don't like. My heart is telling me over and over again that if I want to save myself I should try and get a government job but apart from what my father told me years back "Son join the government it will help you make a difference in the lives of people" I can't think of any other reason to join that institution.
So in this month of my birth I find myself irresistably attracted to an institution which I was indifferent to all my life while hating a company which apart from making me learn is giving me all the facilities that I would want. The lack of a decisive nature always put me at a disadvantage all my life and it's again coming back to bite me in the ass. I am struggling to define myself as a person, struggling to define my desires, my expectations from life, even at the ripe old age of 24.
My life which has been like a river ( if u reach an obstacle just move to the side instead of trying to conquer it) is faced with another question and like always I think I will not fight my own fight and come to a decision and instead just let the fates decide the course of my life. And once they have decided for me I will face another October mulling over another question about what I want from my life.